Asymmetrical Information

From the desk of Mindles H. Dreck:

More than you ever wanted to know about two-by-fours

In the interests of beating a dead horse (with whatever comes to hand), I have been looking for something I can do to further the cause of our new visitors.

I went out in search of barbarous people advocating pre-emptive violence with hypothetical two-by-fours to 'find morally appalling'. It turns out, if you make a minor effort to seek out these serial lumber-abusers you will find yourself in what we hawks call a "target-rich environment". Read on for some of my findings.

First and foremost, I found that God wields a mean two-by-four. He turns out to be the #1 proponent of noggin-directed two-by-fours when you google this stuff. Here's a Mormon who is encouraging violence by the almighty -

There are times that I feel someone is getting to my son and he’s beginning to see what Mormonism really is. Then, he’ll have a complete turn around. Since his conversion started without my knowledge when he was fifteen, I’ve been praying for a long, hard two years. I must admit that today I’m rather tired. I want God to take that spiritual two-by-four and hit my son "upside the head".

Here's a difficult religious choice for those exercising free will:

Rather than waiting for God to whack you over the head with a spiritual two-by-four, wouldn't it be far better to give God some time each day to quietly speak to you?

And God's beatings are certainly an opportunity to wax philosophical-

If God Hit You With a 2x4, Would You Know What Hit You?

As we used to say, if the Yale Philosophy Department were felled by a 2X4 in the forest, would anyone care?

In a similar vein, quasi-religious beliefs can also put pulp to cranium. Someone on Common Dreams feels that the truth (well, his version) is violent:

You see, the central theme of Moore's documentary is the high level of fear that prevails in America - a fear that's fed by the media (If it bleeds, it leads), by our political leaders (Osama's going to get you if you don't watch out) and by our own minds (We've got to get them before they get us).

In times like these it's not difficult to get caught up in this anxiety and trepidation. And that's where I found myself until "Bowling for Columbine'' and Shonnie's question hit me with the force of a two-by-four upside the head. The truth that I realized in that moment: I have no need of the pistol because my fears have no foundation. I'm probably more likely to be killed talking on a cell phone while driving than by someone breaking into my home. Another case of FEAR - False Evidence Appearing Real.

God and the truth pummeled this poor sinner:

I hadn't slept well the night before and was a bit woozy from lack of sleep, so it took about five minutes for the truth to sink in... God had whupped me upside my head with a big fat two-by-four! Which I needed badly.

This is also sort of a..spiritual? two-by-four:

If you're anything like me, a set of awesome tits can hit you upside the head like a two-by-four slung from a Texas twister.

..or perhaps a 36-by-24-by-36, the dimensions of a brick house in my book.

I was disturbed to find my fellow sportsmen wielding two-by-fours with insufficient (well...sort of) provocation. At least one golf site is fond of the idea:

This month we discuss a subject that many golfers seem to be passionate about: how much noise can you make while the other guy is preparing to hit before that other guy should legally be allowed to take a two-by-four and whack you upside the head?

By the third hole, you'll be looking around for a two-by-four to whack this guy upside the head.

Contrary to popular opinion, hypothetical two-by-fours are indeed wielded by the left.

I had struck up a conversation with an ex-Iowan from Dubuque. The converations was eclectic. Eventually he showed his true colors and expressed his disappointment in me being a liberal commie from his home state. Well, tough shit, I was winning, he wasn't. I could hold my liquor, he couldn't. I went home that night the better man in every sense. Still, it was (sic)have been nice to have whacked him upside the head with a two-by-four, but that would have been wrong.

Even protesters named "Love" and "Quest" sling studs!

Aaron Love, a Unity and Struggle member spoke before a group of mostly college-age protesters.

"I'm basically here because white power and fascist organizations are growing throughout the world," Love said. "We believe racism can be countered by education and counterpresence."

Another Unity and Struggle member who spoke was Matthew Quest of Champaign.

Using strong language, Quest spoke against Hale and suggested that justice would be Hale "being hit with a two-by-four upside the head."

Journalists and writers are major offenders. There's even something called Two-by-Four Journalism!

Take Debra Dixon, for example. I don't know her work, but I'm not willing to take the risk of several blows to the head just to familiarize myself with it:

Debra Dixon says, "Goals should not be subtle. Get out the two by four and start whacking your reader over the head. 'This is what my character wants'. Whack. Whack. Whack."

Hmmm. Sometimes writing is so bad, it's violent. This surely qualifies as pre-emptive.

"You have hit the matter on the head!" (when someone tells you that you've hit the nail on the head, it makes sense because the mental image is that of a hammer striking true; Douglass's version is narrative-stopping, jarring nonsense at the best of times, and, at worst, provides the reader with an unintended and comic image of 'matter' being beaten about the head with a two-by-four...)

What did matter ever do to us?

A two-by-four also constitues an appropriate punishment for bad writing:

Gentle reader, we the editors of 3B Theater would like to apologize for those first few paragraphs. The writer is in the process of an attitude adjustment with a two by four. Did we mention he hates this movie?

We’ll be right back. *whack* *whack* *whack* *whack* *WHACK*

I think the following TV-reviewer may have already felt the trusty lumber tickle his neck a few too many times, judging by the consistency of his metaphors:

It's all kind of whack-you-over the-head-with-a-two-by-four touchy-feely, and it seems to be based on the tongue-in-cheek maxim developed by the late Brandon Tartikoff, president of NBC entertainment when the network was at its creative peak. Tartikoff joked that TV viewers can never see too many scenes of cuddly puppies.

Finally, I hope I'm never reviewed by this guy:

I don't want to watch all thirteen episodes and be left with an urge to whack the writers with a two-by-four, complete with protruding rusty nails strategically placed for maximum damage.

Legal eagles find themselves on both ends of the bonking board. Judge Penfield Jackson advocated pre-emptive violence in his Microsoft rulings:

Referring to his split ruling, this comment came after repeating an anecdote about a North Carolina mule trainer:

"He had a trained mule who could do all kinds of wonderful tricks. One day somebody asked him: 'How do you do it? How do you train the mule to do all these amazing things?' 'Well,' he answered, 'I'll show you.' He took a two-by-four and whopped him upside the head. The mule was reeling and fell to his knees, and the trainer said: 'You just have to get his attention.'"

I knew those tort lawyers were violent:

In its most strident form, accountability stands for the "two-by-four" approach to encouraging appropriate behavior -- "If they step out of line, whack 'em a good one. That'll learn 'em!" The leading example of this approach to accountability is the call to expand HMO liability in the courts, on the theory that a few multimillion-dollar damage awards would keep those HMOs on their best behavior. (Or would it? See "Why Torts Are Not Good Medicine" on Page 46E.)

Here, a dizzying combination of lawyers, studss and triple-mixed metaphors:

Thus the legal profession is frozen in time; a time hundreds of years ago--out of date and out of touch. Thus whenever the need for change becomes apparent, citizens are going to have to smash it over the head with a two by four and very likely fail anyway with no more impact than water off a duck's back-- up against its money, state power, influence and age old dogma.

The Russian judge gave that one a ten.

Politicians, of course, are not spared either. Why should they be?

At one point, Senate Majority Leader Dan DeGrow of Port Huron said: "I don't know what part of shortage or deficit you don't understand. ... Sometimes I think I need a two-by-four to bang some people upside the head."

This, from March of 2001, has some amusing context. In retrospect, it seems to suggest that two-by-fours are useful in forging consensus in the President's administration:

But this week, George W. Bush got whacked upside the head with a journalistic two-by-four when the New York Times reported that his top foreign policy gurus are increasing divided on, well, foreign policy.

Apparently, the re-installed Realpolitik crowd at the Pentagon and the State Department are evolving into two opposing camps: one ideologically conservative, the other moderate.

....As the harsh reality of foreign affairs sinks in, Bush would do well to hit the briefing books harder and heed his own words about "setting priorities" before the Rumsfeld-Powell rivalry truly becomes a "battle royal" — live on CNN.

"Rednecks", apparently, need something a bit stiffer than a two-by-four:

In order to solve the litter problem we must rein in the “Red-Necks” and hit them wear it hurts. Because whacking a “Red-Neck” upside the head with a two-by-four wouldn’t penetrate the solid layer of bone residing between their ears, we have to find other means. After careful consideration and analysis of all the available options, I settled on one I believe warrants consideration. Simply stated, “Eliminate the flow of beer into the “Red-Neck’s” blood stream.” If we can somehow reduce the blood alcohol content below 50% it would incapacitate him--probably leaving him layed out on the floor “wigglin,” “floppin,” and “twitchin” like a fish out of water. Not even the toughest “Red-Neck” can perform when the alcohol pulsing through their veins is displaced by blood. If the “Red-Necks” can’t function, they can’t drive their old pickup trucks, they can’t litter, and our problem is solved. Louisiana’s age-old beauty is restored.

Now we turn to the two-by-four in business and social science:

And so it is that our glutted society is victimized by what we might call the "two-by-four effect." The two-by-four effect provides humanity with a way to keep communication alive in a glutted environment. But in so doing, it extracts a hefty price: society, as we all know from experience, is becoming inexorably more crass. We are witnessing the new reign of trash TV, hate radio, shock jocks, tort litigation, publicity stunts, and excessively violent and sarcastic rhetoric.

Is it wrong to advocate pre-emptively hitting 'businesses' with two-by-fours?

It seems as if we all need a good, old-fashioned whack on the head to get our attention properly focused. Without question, this is a moment when businesses need to connect with the broad side of a two-by-four.

I even came across a kind of two-by-four "X-Files", suggesting boards may have parents, gender and even sexual orientation:

I want to come out to my parents, not whack them over the head with the Your Daughter’s a Lesbian two-by-four.

I also heard about some positively frightening restaurateurs -

Do you like your flavors subtle? Does the word nuance describe your taste? Then don't go here. The flavors here hit you upside your head with a two by four. The they come back at you with a two by four with a nail in it. Two of our dishes had a sauce of salt, pepper, and lemon. Woh! I'm salivating on my keyboard just thinking about it. Damn, I hate slobber on my space bar.

It is important to remember that two-by-fours are victims, too, as shown in the shocking documentary photograph below, taken by a brave plank rights activist with a hidden camera.

Liberate the Two-by-Four!

There are other heart-rending tales. There's nothing sadder than self-inflicted violence:

What was even more energy-draining was observing Cindy KM's dishearteningly perky level of energy at the end of each marathon day. Randy and I just wanted to curl up and have someone hit us upside the head with a two-by-four, while Cindy was cheerfully bouncing off to the T-shirt vendor, just as if she hadn't been on her feet for eight hours.

Some days I want to whack myself upside the head with a two-by-four for being so insanely naive. White girl from the northern suburbs, that's me.

Animal abuse is easy to find. In addition to the common custom of whacking mules, people are also beating dogs:

The first thing I noticed was that nobody looked happy. I don't know if it was because we were all being sautéed under the sun, or if it's cool to be pissed again. That was a really lame fad the first time around, and a dog usually learns the first time when you hit it upside the head with a two by four.

I found that two-by-fours rank pretty low on the Muppet Violence Scale, however, at least compared to cannonballs:

Clifford first introduces Gonzo the Great. Gonzo's act is a team of well-trained artillery shells, the Refined Young Cannonballs. The cannonballs roll onstage. They are all wearing yellow polka-dot bow ties. Gonzo asks Camilla to start the music, which happens to be the "1812 Overture", and he steps behind a bank of cannons with a lit sparkler. At the appropriate times during the music, Gonzo fires off a cannon, usually striking one of the Muppets with it. He hits most of the Muppets in the control room, the camera man, and even the cue card guy. One of the cannonballs almost hits Johnny Fiama, but Sal the Monkey stops the ball and tells it, "Hey, hey, hey! No cannonball hits Johnny Fiama." So the cannonball hits Sal. Johnny says, "Nice work there, Sal," but he gets hit by the next cannonball. As Gonzo wraps up the number, laughing maniacally, Clifford becomes the last victim -- except for Gonzo, who is hit on the head by a falling cannonball during the applause......

The next segment is an editorial message from Sam the Eagle. Just as he begins he is hit with a cannonball. But Sam picks himself up and does his editorial, which is about the lack of heroes in society today. As an example he shows two typical youngsters growing up in society today - Andy and Randy Pig. They are playing a video game and outfitted with the latest in VR Laser Tag equipment. They have an argument about who is winning the video game, and then decide to actually turn the game on. Sam claims that this shocking state of ignorance is because young people don't have any heroes. Andy and Randy finish their violent video game and realize they feel like hurting each other violently. Sam comes over and asks them if they have any heroes. They pigs answer that they do, and hold up a pair of hero sandwiches. They begin hitting each other with them.

Statler: "What'd you think of that sketch?"
Waldorf: "Well, it was better than getting hit in the head by a two-by-four."
Statler: "No it wasn't."
Waldorf: "Yeah, you're right. (Shouting) Hit me again!"
A nurse walks in with a two-by-four and hits Waldorf in the face with it.
Statler laughs.

Naturally, this easily-obtained and controversial eight square inches of evil has found its way into performance art as a form of protest:

Raoul Danger from Winnipeg, billed as The Industrial Strength Clown, does a comic act that includes a whack in the head with a two-by-four from an audience volunteer for every juggling drop

They are positively ubiquitous, I tell you. Here's some evidence for an Adlai Stevenson moment connecting basketball, UN Inspectors and Lumber of Mass Destruction:

Opponents are sometimes allowed to use a two-by-four on Laettner. They whack Laettner upside the head with the instrument of persuasion before making a move to the basket, and the referees, the three of them, go into the Hans Blix mode. They do not see a darn thing.

A sick game - for children, no less:

TWO BY FOUR GORE Teaching young ones the ways of politics, tots are encouraged to ask questions of this #3 grade, six foot piece of rough-cut fir that is a realistic rendition of "the man who would be queen." The wisdom emanating from "Two By Four Gore" is an amazingly accurate reproduction of the loser Vice President's exact words and demeanor.

There's a potential diplomatic incident:

Contrary to popular belief, a whack upside the head with a two by four isn't how to get a Swede's attention. Someone tried that with my cousin Guntar and it only broke the two by four.

Sometimes the two-by-four is the better of two options, as it certainly is in the unfortunate circumstance of one Glenna Bledsole:

And Glenna Bledsole?, Well even if you do agree that her head should have been blown off, or at least given a good two-by-four, attention-getting whack, hmm, doesn’t her anger and righteousness pull a slender, familiar thread?

This, on the other hand, sounds like a rather pleasant surprise when one might be expecting a plank on the head:

I braced myself for the much anticipated whack on the back of the head from a solid piece of two by four, but it never arrived. Instead I found a pleasing bouquet garni of sage and thyme, solid blackcurrant, plum and complimentary Asian spice. Lovely texture in the mouth and just a kiss on vanilla in the finish.

it was an impudent stud, with a hint of pine on the palate and a firm finish!

There are legitimate uses. Colonel Hackworth advocates two-by-fours for military safety:

Another point I make in About Face was that I had learned about war from tough old sergeants and captains who had fought the big war. They believed that if you didn't get it right, you died. These soldiers had no problem thumping you in the back of the head with a two-by-four if you made a mistake. I came up from that kind of army - a highly disciplined army with mentors that were hard task masters. That army saw too many young people die in Guam, Saipan, Guadalcanal, and Normandy.

Finally, here's some pre-emptive two-by-four whacking we can all get behind:

The Only Message Saddam Understands Is Getting Hit With a Two-by-Four

Now, my righteous friends, get out there and troll deconstruct, denounce and disapprove!


all images from this 'appalling' two-by-four saga.

Posted by Mindles H. Dreck at February 20, 2003 6:46 PM | TrackBack | Technorati inbound links