Asymmetrical Information

From the desk of Jane Galt:

These Young Whippersnappers

Among the many things that have gone downhill since my days at the Socialist Union is, apparently, protesting. These kids today seem to be as incompetent at this as they are at economics. Hey, at least we had an excuse: George Bush was busy spreading AIDS and murdering innocent Iraqi civilians! Plus, drugs are purer now, so they shouldn't be suffering from the nasty tremors that make it hard to spell "Divestment" and similar big words.

Well, the older generation has stepped in to rectify this abysmal ignorance with these handy, simple-to-follow guidelines for would be protestors from Happy Fun Pundit:

- WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH YOUR BLOOD FOR OIL? Spend a few bucks on your public address system. You will not persuade anyone of anything when you sound like the kid at the drive-through, even though I'm quite certain it's a role many of you grew comfortable with after finishing your Masters in Diversity Studies.

- EET MOR BLUD 4 OIL! Spellcheck those protest signs, kids.

- HELL NO, WE WON'T --- er, line? Most people associate chanting with children and religious cults. I'm jes' sayin', is all.

- EARN YOUR BLOOD MONEY, PIG! Look, your goal is holler and disrupt for as long as possible, right? Did you ever stop to consider that sitting in aisle seats (which all three groups at the Wolfowitz speech did) makes it a lot easier for the cops to reach you? Middle of the row, people, middle of the row. Besides, it's just common courtesy to leave the more comfortable seats for people who are going to stay for the whole event.

- COUNTDOWN TO DUMB In the same vein, giving the police several seconds' warning that you're about to do something obnoxious is just not a good tactic. We appreciate that you put in a lot of crayon time writing on your t-shirt, but if you sit there displaying it for several seconds before beginning your chant, that cuts down on the amount of time we have to admire your calligraphy.

- STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES Practice with your banner before the actual event. You look really, really stupid when you can't unroll a simple banner within a few seconds. Also, be aware that if you ever unroll a banner in front of my face at an engagement for which I've paid good money, rest assured that the situation will end badly for you and your banner.

I have only one thing to add: despite what many of your comrades believe, showering is not just a middle class affectation.

Posted by Jane Galt at December 10, 2002 05:01 PM | TrackBack | Technorati inbound links